Sleep

Here's another one I never published about sleep...

My son is healthy and happy.  He rarely fusses or cries, and all day long he offers me big beautiful smiles and adorable coos and giggles.  So why do I feel like I am a complete failure as a mother?  Because he won't sleep, at least not in the way I think he should.

During the day I can only get a 20-30 minute nap out of him and that's only if I spend 40 minutes or more soothing him to sleep....However, if I put him in his swing, he will be asleep within minutes and will sleep for hours.  Yet I beat myself up every day that I give up trying to get him to nap in his crib and put him in the swing.  I feel like a horrible parent for letting a mechanical motor do my mothering for me.  I wonder constantly what will happen to us in the not too distant future when he is too big for his swing and I no longer have a sure-fire napping resource at my disposal.   

At night I can spend up to 2 hours soothing him to sleep for bed.  At best these days he will sleep for 2 hours in his crib.  At worst he wakes up after 30-60 minutes.  It's getting to the point where I absolutely dread the end of the day.  Trying to get him to go to sleep and stay asleep has become the worst most stressful part of my life.  Usually by about 2 am when I have had 1 hours sleep total for the night, I give up and bring him into bed with me to nurse him because I don't feel I can stay vertical any longer.  My intention is always to take him back to his crib, once he's back asleep, but I always end up falling asleep as well and I wake up 2 hours later with my baby nestled up next to me, sound asleep.  This terrifies me.  I'm so scared that our family bed is not a safe place for my baby to sleep. Most attempts to return him to his crib after bringing him into bed with me fail and I end up with him in bed with us for the rest of the night.  I tend to not get much sleep at that point due to the discomfort of being stuck in an awkward position for hours at a time (Baby constantly scooting closer to me, me constantly scooting away from baby until he nearly pushes me out of bed) and my worry that if I don't stay awake, something will happen to him in the night.

The guilt, frustration and anger I am beginning to feel over this issue of sleep is really starting to wear on me.  I want to give my son the best care I can, but in this matter of sleep, I don't know what that is.  Does sleep still count as sleep if it takes place outside of the crib?